Why It Took Me Ten Months to Make This Post

This marks the very first piece I've written, perhaps since college. I discuss the nature of dreams, ambition, self-worth, and time. Oh, and my brief experience with stand-up comedy as well. It was a phase...

Is it possible to be ambitious and content at the same time? Can we strive for more and still appreciate what we have? Are these things mutually exclusive, or are they compatible? In my opinion, I think they depend on each other.

Personally, I believe life is most enjoyable when you learn to hold both of these concepts in a delicate balance.

This is pretty difficult for me to write. Not necessarily because of the subject matter, just the fact that I'm writing at all. The main reason this troubles me is because I spent the better part of a year prepping myself to get to this point only to realize that I feel the exact same way I did all those months ago. Completely unprepared.

I think the hardest part of starting any project is reconciling with the fact that you could have started so much earlier had you known you wanted to do it at that time. "How much further ahead could I have been had I started three years ago?" It's a really sucky feeling, and I'm here to tell you that not only is this unfair, it's also unproductive.

A trick that I've found helps me work through this feeling is to remember where my head was at back then, and what mattered to me most. Personally, had my direction in life remained the same from three years ago, I would be in Manhattan right now, broke, performing stand-up comedy in dive bars for people I would likely never see again. 

Three years ago, if you had told me that I would eventually move on from stand-up comedy, I wouldn't have believed you. I was certain that stand-up comedy was my future. I staked my entire life on fulfilling that dream. Yet, I put it off for years justifying that I wasn't ready yet. My outfit wasn't quite right. My "persona" wasn't developed enough. I didn't have the kind of material people would like. I had to move to the city first. The list of excuses goes on. I disguised the fear of getting started with the illusion of preparation. It's hard to recognize it, but this is a trap. These were excuses my mind made to protect myself from failure.

We convince ourselves that we have a specific future waiting for us, and if we don't perfectly align with it in the present, we need to delay our projects and go back to the drawing board. It's easy to fall prey to this because it makes us feel like we're being proactive. Like we're avoiding some kind of fate. And our expectations grow even larger because we keep delaying our progress. It's a vicious cycle.

The real kicker is that once I finally tried stand-up comedy, my priorities changed anyway. I had to question if I was giving up too early, or if this was a future I no longer wanted for myself. The truth is that I only focused on the positives of pursuing comedy. I hadn't considered what a "day in the life" would be like. This path had sacrifices I wasn't willing to make. A normal sleep schedule, steady income, and a comfortable quality of life - to name a few.

Our ambitions can blindside us if they don't align with us holistically. You'll end up making room for a lifestyle you don't want to live.

And after some intense self-reflection, I realized I had been romanticizing a version of myself that didn't actually exist. Each day that I wasn't this ideal version of myself was a day marred by feelings of inadequacy. 

I've since moved on from my comedic endeavors, but I learned an important lesson along the way. How to reconcile two different, but equally important concepts:

1) The part of me that wants to become.

2) And the part of me that simply wants to be.

I believe you need to balance them both in order to be truly content. A life without becoming is a drab and dull experience. It's complacency. A life without simply being is fraught with insecurity and a constant fear of never being able to reach your full potential.

My past tells me that I've been demonstrating an unhealthy attachment to the first concept. Terrified of not reaching my potential and prepping to make sure that I avoid this at all costs - which ironically is the exact behavior that is making these fears come true.

I believe ideas have their own mass, and when large enough, they attract the neighboring reality of that specific idea. The more weight you apply to something, the closer it draws that reality in with its gravitational pull. The catch is that if we apply too much weight to an idea, it collapses like a neutron star and turns into a black hole.

And when that happens, nothing happens. You cross the event horizon of your own mind. Once that happens, you won't be able to escape the pull of your expectations. The fear of failure will drag you back, and you'll become a prisoner of your own ambition...

To help explain, I made a crude diagram of this metaphor in Google's version of MS Paint:

I hope you enjoyed that, because it took longer to make than I'm willing to admit.

But in all seriousness, if you make your dreams too heavy, they'll fold under their own weight. I'm not saying don't shoot for the moon, I'm saying that you shouldn't wreck your self-worth in the process. Now would be a great time to dump some "it's all about the journey" crap on you, but I think you get the idea. I'm not going to patronize you.

It's worth noting that your dreams will likely take multiple directions as time goes on. With time, you'll have a deeper, more informed experience of the world and what you would like to contribute to it.

My last revelation would be that purpose is something that evolves. It isn't a static condition. You don't "find" a purpose, you nurture it into existence through sheer will and the pursuit of excellence. Your purpose may take on many forms before you decide to commit to a single discipline.

We tend to romanticize the individuals who find their calling in life seemingly right out of the womb. I think most people would agree that's a blessing. But I also think there's something beautiful about uncovering what resonates with you over time through curiosity, and determination. It's the scenic route to purpose, and the scenic route requires patience

If you remain present, and treat each stop as a necessary part of the journey, I think you'll find great meaning in watching yourself unfold on the way to your destination. (Sorry, I couldn't resist)

I call this mindset, righteous dissonance.

I'll break down what it means in the next one, but that's all for now. 

If you enjoyed this article or if any of it resonates with you, feel free to reach me through the form on the bottom of my home page.

Ciao,

Tony